porchpondering.com

Summer Set

I just posted the titles for the next series: Summer of Love. It all starts June 17th. You'll want to be sure to order a t-shirt for this one! It's going to be a great summer to invite your neighbors and friends to worship with us on Sunday mornings.

Lemonade Stand

On Saturday from 11 to 2, a wonderfully creative and compassionate daughter of our church, Nisha, has made arrangements to set up a Lemonade stand in front of Pavillions in order to raise money (and awareness) for our next trip to Miracle Ranch. The actual trip will take place on Saturday, June 16th (the day before Father's Day). The idea was totally her own and a few months ago when I heard about it I told her I'd be glad to help out.

I got the call last night. She said, "Here's what I need you to do...." I wrote down her instructions. You don't want to make a mistake when a 3rd Grader is telling you what to do. So please stop by the stand on Saturday. You can even let us know if you'd like to help out. It would really help to have a handful of people ready to mix, pour and tell our story. If you're able to help, please send me an email.

New Pics

I uploaded two new photo albums and I got rid of the rest. It's not easy to keep things up to date. The first album contains pictures from my graduation last year...wow, time really flies. The second features pictures from our 2007 trips to Miracle Ranch.

Recent Adventures

New Photo Albums

Yesterday Joy pointed out that all of the photo albums on this blog are way out of date. It kind of reminds me of the many times I've clicked through church websites only to find a calendar that is from December 2002. I guess I'm now guilty of the same.

And so this morning, in my final minutes of preparation before heading out to help with the set up, I promise to post something new in the days ahead. I will also follow up my conversation with Jessica. I've got two more installments planned. I would love to get your feedback on my observations and so don't just read what I write (if anyone really does), please post something in reply.

Being There

The program this past Saturday included the following "Wish List."

A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List

1. I wish my children haven’t died. I wish I had them back.
2. I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my children’s names. My children lived and were very important to me. I need to hear that they were important to you also.
3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my children, I wish you know that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My children’s deaths are the cause of my tears. You have talked about my children and you allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
5. I need diversions, so I want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my children, my favorite topic of the day.
6. I know that you think of me and pray for me often. I also know that my children’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
7. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first few months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my children until the day I die.
8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my children, and I will always grieve that they are dead.
9. I wish you could expect me to “not think about it” or to “be happy.” Neither will happened for a long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
10. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.
11. When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.
12. I wish you know that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable or cranky.
13. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my children died, a big part of me died with them. I am not the same person I was before my children died and I will never be that person again.
14. I wish very much that you could understand…understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.

Anonymous

Since this wish list was published under "Anonymous," I'm really not worried about running into any copyright problems. Though it is hard to read these words, let me invite you to open yourself to the wisdom they contain.

Several years ago I completed a unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) at St. Joseph's Hospital in Orange. It was an incredible experience, filled with pain and joy. My assignment included the ER. I remember my severe discomfort at having to engage in conversation with people who were in terrible circumstances. At first I tried to fix their situations with my words. Over time I realized that I had more to offer than words alone. In fact, the more I listened, I mean really listened, the more I was able to give.

There's no wishing away the pain for Chris and Lori. We can't wish away the pain for them or for anyone else but we can be there in the midst of it. Thankfully, this "wish list" offers us a helpful place to start.

Help in the Storm

As we go about our daily tasks in this community, we do so surrounded by scores of pink and blue ribbons.

These ribbons remind us of...

the love we now share for Kyle, Emma and Katie,

our commitment to hold Chris and Lori in our prayers,

the gift that neighbors can be to each other,

the incredible value of every child in this community,

a bold display of hope, even in the midst of our pain.

The tears of this community have been shed in abundance. There are no quick and easy solutions to a crisis such as this. And yet time alone will not be enough to heal our hurts. A few years ago, I heard the story of Jerry Sittser. He's a professor at Whitworth College in Spokane, Washington. The whole of his world was also changed by a car accident. In the book A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss he talks about his journey of faith in the midst of loss. I've included a link on the left column of this blog. Some people here in Ladera Ranch might not be ready to read it just yet. I understand that. I won't push this resource on anyone. Even so, I want to make it available for when the time is right. You can save the cost of shipping by picking up a copy for eleven bucks on Sunday or you can click here to order your own copy today.

19 Years Later

It was May 14, 1988, the day Joy and I were married at Christ Lutheran Church in Long Beach with her father, Rev. George Johnson and the Rev. Dale Temple officiating the ceremony. The service lasted about an hour and a half and it was awesome. The church was packed. We sang several worship songs at the start of the service (kind of revolutionary back then). We had a long line up of bridesmaids and groomsmen. When it came time for the kiss, I dipped her and everyone cheered. It was a long-lasting kiss. So much so that my Bestman, Ron Byrnes, had to tap me on the shoulder to get my attention. That great kiss was an incredible start to the love that we have shared through the years. I am grateful to God for bringing Joy into my life.

I'm not sure where our signature smile came from but it's long been our favorite. Here's a picture of Joy demonstrating perfect technique on our Wedding Day. Maybe a funny face is meant to remind us to not take things so seriously all the time. Our 19 years together have been filled with a multitude of challenges as well as much cause for celebration. We've made it through, so far, because we've stuck close together and because we still make the funny face together at every wedding we're invited to. We also know there is much pain in this world and we've tried to not run from that either.

On Friday night and then again on Saturday morning, I watched Chris and Lori Coble stand together at the podium where they whispered words about their beautiful children. The many pictures of the smiling faces of Kyle, Emma and Katie were evidence of the multitude of love that filled their home. The awful event of May 4th changed all that. The pain is severe; the loss is unimaginable. How will they ever get through it? I really don't know. I would never presume to give them advice. And yet I have hope. My hope was kindled after watching them this weekend. Leaning on each other, they made their way forward and they stood together. Chris and Lori demonstrated incredible courage, love and commitment. I've watched other couples who have also experienced loss stand together in the same way. Today their lives are a testimony to the power of love. And so, in gratitude for the partnership that I celebrate today with Joy, we will be praying for our neighbors, Chris and Lori. My prayer is for their celebration of "19 Years Later" (that should be in 2020 by my calculation). May God's grace shine upon them so that joy, love, laughter fill their home once again.

And finally, here's another picture of us practicing our family face at my sister's wedding in April of 1987...20 years ago. Wow! Time flies...

Candlelight Vigil

There will be a candlelight vigil on the Town Green in Ladera Ranch on Friday, May 11th at 7:30 p.m. to honor the memory of Kyle, Emma and Katie Coble. Chris and Lori will not be attending but we pray that they will find strength as this community seeks to gather around them in sorrow and support. The brief program will include comments from Jeff Hetschel (OCFD Chaplain), words from selected neighbors, a song from Matthew Stark, as well as the lighting of candles in the shadow of our common grief. This will be a helpful evening for adults and children alike. Come and gather with your neighbors and friends.

Grief Seminar

Presbyterian Church of the Master in Mission Viejo is hosting a seminar on Thursday, May 10th at 7 p.m. titled, "Helping Families and Children After Tragic Loss" featuring Dr. Bill Hoy. Someone just sent me this information:

In view of the tragedy in our community this week, Presbyterian Church of the Master has partnered with O'Connor Mortuary to provide resources for our community. Knowing that parents aren't always sure how to help their children or themselves, we believe this will be an important evening of discussion and learning. Topics we will be discussing will include:

• How to understand the grief process - for yourself, your children and your community.
• What to say and do to help young children cope.
• How to help families and friends - both now and in the future.
• What signs to look for in your children that indicate they may need further help.
• Where to look for additional support and resources.

Reservations for childcare can be made by calling the church office at (949) 582-2670. PCOM is located on the corner of Oso and Marguerite Parkway in Mission Viejo.